Falling silent -- a moment to refelect on losing my best friend

I'm sorry for the silence, but I've been struggling for the last few weeks. So many amazing things have happened (lots of xc schooling, Scout's recognized debut, saddle buying, Land Rover) -- and I promise to talk about them all but I lost my beloved dog Hugo on April 10th and I've been grieving since then.

The first picture I ever took of Hugo the day after I rescued him (June 2009)

In the early hours of April 10th, I woke at 2:50am to the sound of our other dog, Lucy growling. Alarmed, I went to investigate what the problem was only to find Hugo (our 11 year old boxer) in full Grand Mal seizure in his bed. Tongue hanging out, eye balls rolling around, whole body convulsing, foaming at the mouth -- I watched in horror while I tried to keep Lucy away from him. The whole thing lasted 3-4 minutes but felt like an eternity. When he came back around he was understandably confused. He had lost his depth perception and it appeared that he couldn't see me -- he was sniffing for me but could hardly hold his balance. He was showing signs of major neurological deficits and I watched as he tried to maintain his balance unsuccessfully. I started bawling and my bf woke up to the horrible scene of me sobbing, holding my dog. We were able to get him outside (there's a slider to the backyard right by where he sleeps) and with some help he was able to pee, but every time he stopped moving he'd fall over. I called our local emergency care facility and they told me to bring him in right away. I left, alone with Hugo flailing around in the back seat of my truck. He was confused and scared and very unstable. He was able to walk into the clinic (albeit like a drunk sailor) and the vet tech assured me that was a very good sign. We were the only ones at the clinic which was a relief, and the vet went out of his way to make us feel comfortable. Initially the prognosis was fair... while seizures in older boxers are quite common the vet said that we could start him on steroid therapy to help him going forward and that he'd have a decent chance of not relapsing (but also advised us that he couldn't guarantee if he'd live another few months or a year, etc) -- we talked about what his quality of life would be and what sort of complications might arise from long-term steroid treatment. As we were discussing the treatment, Hugo's face started to twitch again and he began to have another seizure. They took him back and he continued to worsen. And every time they tried to bring him out to potentially come home with me he continued to seize... so I finally asked the vet if  could take him home so I could have a vet friend come put him down at home and at first he agreed but then Hugo continued to have seizures. Finally, the vet came out and asked me if I could ask my bf to wake up the boys to come say goodbye... the reality set in that I wasn't going to be bringing my beloved friend home again. Luckily my very best friend was working a bar-tending shift that night so she was still up to talk me off a ledge. The boys came to say goodbye and I had the vet sedate Hugo as he was in a constant state seizing and just generally being scary. I did not want the boys to see him that way. They were super nice and were able to get him quiet enough for the boys to say goodbye to him peacefully. Finally, I had them leave so I could be with Hugo during his final moments.

Just before I said goodbye.

I stayed with him for a long time. I felt like the whole thing was so sudden, so awful I couldn't really comprehend on my own. I am sad that I had to do this by myself, I felt alone and desperate. I kept telling Hugo that I was there and he wasn't alone -- I hated being there, I wanted more for him. It was all so sudden.

But in the end, it was all so peaceful, so quiet. I got to choose when it was time, which was awful because Hugo tried to follow me... but it was so still and serene at the end. The clinic was amazing and we got to take him home to bury in our yard. I'll admit that the hardest part of all of it was bringing his body from my truck to the garage. It was all too real then and reunited, we both sobbed like children.

The days that followed didn't seem real at all. He was my best friend, the being closest to me... he's been there through the worst and best of my life. I've spent a quarter of my life with this creature that loved me SO fully, so unconditionally -- he never questioned me ever. And now he was gone.

I felt like I had failed him.

What the vet assured me was that as an 11-year-old boxer, he likely had a brain tumor (they have naturally enlarged pituitary glands) and if it wasn't a brain tumor, it was a tumor that had in fact spread to his brain. Nothing we could have done would have prevented or predicted the outcome.

My history with Hugo started with a Facebook post from a friend who was living in West Philly. She was grabbing a coffee at a little place called the Greenline and saw a dog tied up outside. Not uncommon for the area but it was raining that day and he was there a little too long. A few hours later she came back by the coffee shop and the dog was still there so she took a picture of him and made a plea on Facebook to see if anyone knew who this dog belonged to. When no one came forward I asked if he was still there and offered to go pick him up so he could have a safe and dry place for the night (I even borrowed a friend's car as I didn't have one at the time). He was so happy to get picked up and I didn't think twice about bringing this mangy dog into my house. The poor guy had an embedded collar, he was unneutered and absolutely covered in fleas and a bit feral.

Left, the picture my friend posted on facebook -- right, one year later:)

 That first night was rough, but I think it helped us bond. He was so flea infested that it took THREE baths to get him into a reasonable state. Literally, he'd shake and fleas would fly onto the ceiling and walls of my bathroom. The poor kid was just suffering. It was clear that he didn't have much training at all but he was sweet and kind. I was determined to find his owners, surely someone must have missed this lovely guy?

Well, no one ever claimed him and after having him looked over by a vet and scanned for a microchip a few weeks later he became mine. The rest is history... he's been with me for the last 10 years... through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. This selfless creature greeted me every day like it was the best day of his life. I often said, "I wish I was excited about anything the way Hugo is about EVERYTHING". That kind of joy for life is incomparable.

He became a part of every family he met, teaching young children to trust and enjoy large dogs (our boys included), spent countless hours in the office with me, and immersed himself into every aspect of my life. While I wasn't looking for a dog to join my life, once he was there it was hard to imagine my life without him.

And here I am in the wake of his sudden death still trying to reconcile what life is like without him. Every day I'm reminded of the love and joy he brought to my life. The absence of it feels visceral and harsh and incredulous. Because even in my darkest days, when I didn't love myself enough to get out of bed he loved me as much as my best days. He taught me the absolute power of unconditional love, and I don't know if I ever deserved it.

When I decided to get a second dog, it was entirely so that Hugo could have a friend. He was never a dog park kind of dog, but he always loved spending time with dogs one on one. Lucy insisted on bonding with him, which initially he was reluctant about.

She looked up to him for so much guidance:) 

Even in burger pools!

It wasn't long before these two were thick and thieves and that makes his loss even harder on all of us. She's having a really tough time in his absence, but she's slowly adapting to the new normal.

A couple of best friends (A few weeks before Hugo died)

I don't think he ever knew the kind of love Travis gave him <3 

The sweetest old man

In the end, I'm so grateful for the life I was able to provide for him especially during the last year of his life. He had a giant yard and all the sunshine he could want. We let him wander in the woods behind our house and get lost in the smells. He always came bounding back like it was the best day of his life.

I have so many happy memories of this sweet soul, but I'm currently struggling with the last memories I have of him. It's hard for me to put those out of my mind, seeing him so scared and helpless... and there was nothing I could do.

But a good friend told me to remember him a month ago, or 6 months ago or 9 years ago and cling to those memories, so that's where I am trying to stay.

In my studio at work, probably 2010

In our backyard in Fishtown (he HATED having his picture taken)

Probably my favorite picture ever

Somewhere along Kelly Drive in Philly

This spring, showing his grey

I hope that one day I can live up to the person that Hugo thought I was.

May you always find the sunniest spot to close your eyes and let the world fall away. Rest easy my sweet Hugo.

AND.... We're back!

Scout made the trip home last week with an overnight stop in North Carolina. They arrived home Wednesday and were no worse for the wear after the long trip. Cue the synchronized rolling and galloping (clearly, Scout's idea):

 

I let him settle in for a day or so and Nora took him for a spin to be sure he wasn't feral after plenty of days off and the long trip home. I was delighted when she sent me an update saying NOT FERAL (along with heart emojis). So we decided I'd come down for a lesson the following day!

He undoes me<3

He was super cute when I got to the barn and spent a lot of time nuzzling me and saying hello in his coy manner. I feel SO fortunate to be able to keep him at her farm for the time being. It's a bit of a hike (it takes me about 50 minutes each way) but the barn is stunning (Scout's stall is easily 14 x 20), it has AMAZING hacking and huge hills, super turnout, a regular ring, a xc course and a grass jump field... it's pretty perfect. Better yet, it's QUIET, there are no boarders that aren't training clients and she has a few ship-in clients for lessons. The farm has super chill energy and the horses seem to love it. More than anything, I'm craving some guidance and supervision for this next chapter in our journey together.

I brought both my saddles to see if they would still fit Scout with his new and improved physique and much to my dismay, they are NOT going to work. And while I'm devastated to sell both my jump AND dressage saddle she reminded me that she doesn't even recommend a dressage saddle until the rider is going Training... okay, fair enough. I'm hoping I can cobble together enough money from the sale of those and some side gigs to get something that will work for the long term.

I was stunned to see that my big boy had really grown up during his stint in Ocala. He has some unbelievable muscles that were definitely NOT there before (and keep in mind, I sent him to Florida in really good condition and with a decent level of fitness) -- but it's amazing what someone more skilled can bring out in their bodies. He's got these gorgeous shoulder muscles and a block of new muscle just in front of his shoulder near his withers! I literally went to his stall to say HI and was like, "Wait, did he get bigger?"

When your already giant horse sees something in the distance and the periscope goes up!

So I borrowed a saddle for my lesson and hopped on for the first time in over 3 months. And OH MY GOD... He feels incredible. One of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten from a pro is that I've done a nice job with Scout... that's all well and good, but we were at a physical and mental crossroads where he needed (and deserved someone who could really work out some kinks). He'll always have his shortcomings, but Nora has helped to establish muscle memory where it did not exist so I can continue to make those weaknesses less and less noticeable.

SO CUTE.

And when I handed over my beloved horse to Nora, I was very open about where he was lacking and what I hoped she could improve while he was with her. Namely, he loves to swing his haunches in tracking right, loves to pop his shoulder tracking left and was quite resistant to the right leg (which we had come miles and miles from where he started by the time I left him with her), he had a mostly confirmed half-halt on the flat that needed fine tuning and he had a bad habit of going deep and pulling down when he got tired.

From the moment I got on I felt a straight and connected horse underneath me. At the walk he MARCHED, connected in both reins and looking for guidance with my legs. She had us start the lesson with leg yields from the quarterline to the rail and you should have seen my face when I applied my leg and put my weight in my outside stirrup he responded by moving his whole body! When I needed more push, he would respond and if he started to get quick I could halfhalt with my outside rein to keep him from breaking into the trot. He still felt like my horse, just improved. We moved on to trot work and we explored his range within that gait by getting the energy we wanted and then putting him on a 10 meter circle and asking for shortening and lengthening there, then leg yielding him out until we were going large again. It was incredible what a difference it made to create all that energy in a small circle and then keep it going around the ring. She had me work on collecting his trot by posting quieter but more up and down and then really letting him out and posting big to get a lengthened trot. He has buttons! Better yet, when he wants to get a little deep, all I have to do in close my leg and he comes UP at the wither and changes his connection. There was zero sucking back against my leg, there was no nappy behavior, no kicking out, no tail swishing or ear pinning -- just a fit athlete with a "Yes ma'am" attitude. *Sorry about the crummy video stills.

Going for a bit more trot down the long side

Keeping the energy and shortening the step

Funny how I can sit up and ride a little when I'm not struggling every step with my horse!

via GIPHY

We moved up to the canter and I made the mistake of asking him like a green horse which he completely told on me for doing and sort of scrambled into the canter. But given that we were starting on "my" bad lead I was super happy that he picked it up and felt actually straight. From here she had me shorten my reins by 3" and keep my hands out in front of my with my elbows at my side and really scoop him up into the contact. She kept acknowledging that he has a REALLY big canter, but that it was important to ask for more and more hind step to get him really uphill. We practiced compressing the stride and then thinking gallop down the long sides to get him really uphill, from there I could half halt in my body and keep the step but at a slower pace. I had the silliest grin on my face the whole time. Here I was riding this horse that was up in front of me and I felt like I could actually ride a little bit!. For the downward transitions all I had to do was open my chest and let out a breath and he'd go into a beautiful forward trot, in balance. Once I got my shit together and started riding him like the young adult that he is, our transitions were much improved. He's now listening to a more educated aid for the canter (inside leg and outside rein) and stepped beautifully into the canter once I figured that out!

He still takes a TON of leg, it's not that he doesn't have energy, but he needs support at the base of each stride to keep him UP and not just running flat. Luckily Nora and I are similar in height and build, so at least while he's been learning a more refined way of going it's been with someone with normal sized legs!

I had been so nervous beforehand that 1. I forgot how to ride and would make a fool of myself, 2. Scout would not respond to me the way he did with her, 3. I wouldn't like Nora's teaching style. Even after just one ride together, I love knowing that if I tell her what I am feeling she really understands what I mean and can help me translate my aids to Scout a little more clearly. I enjoyed her teaching style enormously, she rides every stride with you and is patient while also making you hold up your end of the riding deal. He's so, so special and I am incredibly happy that I made the decision to send him to Ocala. Thank you to everyone that encouraged me to do so and to everyone that supported all my neurotic behavior while he was away.

Love him SO much

I had been kicking myself a little for not riding him when I went to visit in February but I felt like it was worth waiting until he very end to see just how much he had learned. It was like finding your Christmas presents and opening them a few weeks early... And in the end it was SO worth the wait!!!

Upgrade -- a PSA about XC vests

With show season just around the corner, I decided to take inventory of all my stuff to purge and replace. I'm not a tack hoarder by any means, so I put a bunch of my stuff up for sale on Facebook and went through the rest of my gear to see what needed to be replaced.

Since I haven't done any xc riding in at least a year and a half -- I tried on my xc vest to see if it actually still fit me... it does, barely (as in, I kinda need assistance to get it zipped -- thanks a lot boobs). However, when I was looking through the labels on it something struck me... The tag that says when it was manufactured. It was stamped 2012 (October). Which got me thinking -- do XC vests have an expiration date?

Fell off this goon, more times than needed, thanks Rodney Powell for keeping me safe

It seems to be common knowledge that helmets should be replaced... Immediately in the case of a fall or being dropped but after 5 years of USE (according to most manufacturers) -- only a rider knows how they have maintained their gear, and some manufacturers go by the 2000 hours of use rule, so someone who rides for many hours every day may need to replace theirs earlier. I think if you keep your helmet in a trailer or your car, you may need to consider how the materials respond to temperature extremes and take that into account for its lifespan. And as with all tack and gear, periodically checking for damage and decay is a good idea too.

So I took my question to the masses and the response was VERY interesting (and varied):

So, I was left scratching my head a bit. There was even a comment from a GP dressage rider who also events at Training level that just read, "I did not know xc vests could expire." And while I am left thinking some of it IS a marketing thing to ensure constant sales over a period of time, I'm certain that there are research and studies that show how the materials hold up over time. After all, they have to pass a series of testing to receive a stamp from ASTM/SEI... and furthermore for Beta 3 validation.

While my vest is in visually very good condition, based on the manufacturers recommendation it should be replaced (most go by how many years the item was used, not based on the manufacture stamp) -- I believe my vest was purchased in 2013, which still means it should be replaced, even though I haven't worn it in at least a year or longer.

I knew right away I wanted another Beta 3 vest as that's what I had before and I love how safe it felt. I dunno about you guys but I get real nervous watching people go xc in those flimsy Tipperary's. I was really pleased when I discovered that after 5 years they have redesigned the Rodney Powell's to keep up with the growing trend of having a high level of safety, with breathability and flexibility throughout the design. The new one is definitely designed more like the Airoware, and looks to be much more streamlined.

Old design

New and improved

When I was originally searching for a xc vest I had a hell of a time finding something that fit the front of my body but that didn't come down so far in the back that it impeded me in the saddle. At one point Charles Owen was going to custom make one by piecing together a front from one size and a back from another size. That felt like a whole lot of trouble for the price point. So I researched vests that were designed with shorter back panels which led me to Rodney Powell in the first place. I like the material inside the vest which as your body heats up it conforms even further to the shape of your body, making it feel very custom made.

The only problem with this brand is that they are VERY scarce in the US and the new design is nearly impossible to find anywhere! I was so super excited when I realized they made the new design in grey, that I went on a mad search everywhere for it, to no avail. Sold out or back-ordered everywhere! *I guess that's a good sign!

Thankfully, my brother lives in London and this morning I sent him an email titled "Wanna go on a wild goose chase for me?" and just like that, he sends me a screenshot of an order confirmation!!!! What a guy! He said he found it for wayyyy less expensive than it's even advertised online for possibly due to the VAT upcharges a lot of companies have to apply in their pricing structure.

So it'll be in my hands in a few weeks, well ahead of any xc with Scout (who come home in less than two weeks)-- and I'm eager to give it a more thorough review.

This simple purchase really got me thinking though about how we (riders as a whole) view our gear and our expectations of its longevity and guarantee of safety. I really wish the USEA was more strict about the requirements for xc vests in competitions, (currently, they only have to be ASTM/SEI certified, not Beta 3) and that they held riders competing to a higher standard also.

So what say you bloggers? Do you hold to the standards with your helmets and vests? DO you have opinions either way? I'm so curious!

Scout's eventing debut -- Majestic Oaks Ocala @Novice

In prep for Scout's eventing debut, we scheduled a lesson with Bruce Sr. to help work on some sharpness over fences. Naturally, he didn't disappoint on getting Scout to respect the jumps a bit more, wait and jump a little tighter over some combinations. They also worked on getting him to keep his head up and chin out a little so he really sees his distance and not get so close to the base.

Best of all, Bruce thought Scout was very nice and is going to jump a fence. So I can die happy now:)

They did one more xc school before the event and she said he jumped awesome so we kept his entry at Novice. And, I'm just going to apologize for the crappy screenshots, but fingers crossed I may have some decent pics coming eventually.

Leading up the event Scout continued to have some puffiness on his face so he got a king's turnout attached to a stall to help quell whatever was triggering this reaction.

Private turnout for the prince (also, his tail!!!)

Being 1000 miles away for his first event was both good and bad. The event wasn't being live scored, there was no pro photographer, and I didn't have any friends nearby to send me constant updates. The venue had over 200 entries for the HT and as it was the first schooling event of the year (for this venue) it was certain to be entertaining. But, based on how nervous/excited I was it might have been a good thing that I wasn't there.

Dressage -- Novice Test A:

Ready for fancy prancin'

From what another competitor told me, warm up was a bit wild and crazy -- but Nora said Scout was perfect. Luckily for him, he was able to chill on the trailer and take everything in while his buddy rode in an earlier division. He's always been pretty good about new places -- he typically unloads, takes a look around inquisitively and then takes a deep breath and gets on with it. But, I was relieved to know that the added atmosphere of the event and human and horse nerves didn't derail him.

Entering at A 

Keeping a nice outline

Staying focused

Life goals (I wish I could sit this tall!)

They laid down a beautiful test. Note to self: the Novice A test has a LOT of trotting, but also looks pretty fun to ride. He scored a remarkable 26.90 to secure him a spot 2nd after dressage. 

If you want to peep the deets

I thought the notes on this test were quite firm for a schooling show, but it's been a LONG time since I competed so what do I know:) Once he gets the idea of a real free walk he's going to really up his game, hehehe. All of that said, I don't think I'll be replicating a low score like this anytime soon on him, but we have something to strive for!

Stadium:

The course was on grass and a little bit of a hill which proved tricky across all three Novice divisions with rails flying everywhere. Overall, I think he really tried hard and considering two months ago he had never jumped a full course, I was thrilled with the outcome. The course was quite twisty with two real related distances on course, a 5 stride and a 2 stride. The two stride came after a big oxer placed downhill and he got a bit out of balance coming back around to the combination and got a bit too deep tapping both with his hind legs on the way out. He made sure to give the last fence plenty of room for good measure to finish his first Novice course!

5 stride, looking good

The last jump on course, nailing it!

He wound up adding 8 to his dressage score and no time. Both Stadium and XC were timed which is not always the case for events around us in PA. I think it gave the event a feeling of a recognized show without the extra money or stress. I don't have any footage of xc (still hoping some photos come through from the photographers that were there -- they had a few ammy guys show up to take pics last minute). She said he just ate up the course and was super confident throughout. He was one of only a handful of horses to go double clear xc in the al the novice divisions! His boldness xc paid off as he was able to snag a 3rd place finish for the day!

YAY!

Without the rails he would have won his division, but honestly, my expectations were for him to simply have a confidence-boosting outing... so coming home with a stellar dressage score, a clean and confident run xc, and some homework for show jumping feels like winning to me! He had one of the best runs across the division and I am so super proud of how trainable he's become. 

Looking ahead*, we had originally planned to run him on the way home at Full Gallop, but we're going to wait and get him out in PA to make his Recognized debut in April! Once he gets home I'll get back in the irons under the watch of Nora who will continue to put rides on him (I'm going to keep him with her for the time being) and once I get jumping again we'll look at the calendar for a suitable event for me to take him around! By then, he will hopefully have a few events under his belt and tons of confidence to make a good partner for me!

***but this is all in pencil, because = HORSES.

Ocala visit, Part 2 -- The kid is pretty special (and a massive photo dump)

The second day I was in Florida (I arrived Monday morning and left Wednesday evening) turned out to be a bit of washout. We had planned to take Scout over to Justin Dutton's farm for one of her schooling jumper shows where you pay for one round and then get to go back in to fix anything that didn't go well, alas the weather had other ideas. The show was canceled due to a whole afternoon of downpouring -- booooo. I did spend the morning over at the Davidson's Florida compound and to hang out with my favorite little person, her pony and I got invited to go on conditioning rides with Andrea. Yes, PLEASE! The funny thing is that I've never ridden with or around her at all, so it was such a special treat to get to ride their upper-level horses without any kind of knowledge of my ability. Their Florida farm is on 600 acres, has a full track for gallops and a conditioning path that goes around massive fields with undulating terrain. After not riding for almost two months I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to keep up, but it turns out all that gym time has been paying off!

The cutest

It's not pony playtime without Twinkle Toes!

Sadly, will not fit in carry-on bag

We ALL finally got to ride together! Aubrey was SO excited!

Part of the trot paths

We did a series of trot sets and even galloped a bit which was super fun on something that is decidedly NOT a thoroughbred. The horses were all a bit wild that morning with the incoming weather a drop in temps but I had an absolute BLAST.

Scout got a bit of a spa day en lieu of the schooling show, and was not super psyched about Mom rolling in to pull his mane and make a fuss over him. I stuffed him full of treats which may have softened the blow a little:)

Wednesday, we planned to take him over to the venue of his debut event to xc school. Nora had only taken him xc once before and she was super excited to get him out again. I was so pleased to tag along and play groom while she schooled Scout and another client horse. What's even better, is that I got to see just how much he's matured in every way. He hopped onto her big rig without an issue, tied at the trailer and stood quietly for tacking and walked flat-footed across the property with an inquisitive look in his eye.

Growing up!

Starting their warm-up

It was super nice to see how she warms him up for XC. She walked him for 10-15 minutes before picking up a big, forward trot in a giant figure eight around a bunch of jumps. She walked and trotted through the water complex while doing this and picked up a canter and continued on a figure eight, adding in lead changes (!) and going up and down hills to help set his canter in balance before sending him toward any fences.

But, on to the good stuff... She's got him solidly in front of the leg and thinking forward but with a very reliable half-halt to utilize to help him sit and wait when she needs him to.

That trot THO

Weeeeee!

He was really giving everything a ton of respect but still landing in the same balance as he jumped it

This photo makes me SO happy -- she just has the biggest smile when she's jumping him

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First trakehners!

I was super pleased with his attitude about everything -- he's become such a professional about his job and he's proving to really have the right elements to make a great event horse. He still gets it wrong, maybe 20% of the time, but he has VERY good instincts to get his giant legs out of the way and carry a rider successfully to the other side -- better yet, he doesn't get upset or hold a grudge, which is perfect for an adult ammy!

I'm SO excited about our future together and I'm so unbelievably happy that he and I have met a trainer who gets us both. She has developed a really special relationship with him and he is giving 110% back to her in response. And even though I have to wait a few more weeks to hop in the irons myself, I'm even MORE excited now. He makes his eventing debut tomorrow -- so please send good vibes our way, hopefully, I'll have good things to report in a few days!